PARENTS V. COACHES: Confronting the Issue of Playing Time

It probably won’t come as a surprise to you that the Number One complaint or concern that parents have about their kid’s coach is playing time.

Of all the issues I hear about, this is the key issue that pops up all the time – both between coaches AND parents.

For example, I’m sure you’ve have heard in the news over the last couple of weeks about the HS basketball coach from Robeson HS in Brooklyn who felt threatened by an angry sports parent who had complained about his kid’s lack of playing time on the school basketball team. According to numerous account, the Dad confronted the coach at the coach’s home, and the coach, in order to protect himself, shot the parent in a scuffle, wounding both the parent and the coach.

Hard to believe, but true. We live in a time where angry sports parents attacking coaches is a real and ongoing concern.

So how did we get to this point?

Remember, back in the day, when parents actually supported their kid’s HS coaches, the general rule of thumb was when a youngster came home from practice or a game and groused about not getting enough playing time to his or her parents, the usual and customary response was, “Well, you just have to buckle down, and outwork the kid who’s playing ahead of you….you’re going to have to prove to your coach that you’re the better player.”

There was never any talk about firing off an angry email or phone call to the coach or AD. There was no talk about transferring to a different school to play for a different coach. Kids who wanted to gain more PT basically did what they could to impress their coach.

But of course, these days that’s no longer how it’s done. Kids and their parents are often pumped up by travel and club coaches who often tell the kid and their parent what he or she wants to hear; that they are stars in the making, that they have made tremendous progress, and that they should be starting for the HS team.

Remember, these are travel team coaches who are being paid by the parents to coach their kid, so the flattering words and kind comments may be exaggerated. Problem is, even though the flattery is good to hear, those words often don’t do much in terms of impressing the head coach at the HS.

In short, the HS coach ends up being confronted by an angry parent who informs the coach that their kid was indeed a star on his travel team, and that his travel coach says he should be a star for the school team as well.

As you might imagine, that kind of approach doesn’t lead to a solution.

So, are there any solutions regarding playing time?

We know that some HS coaches make a concerted effort to get every kid on the bench into each game – even if it’s only for a short period of time.  That’s a big responsibility, to be sure. But the coach knows that every kid on his roster comes to each game with the hope that he or she will get in, even for a couple of minutes. And that the kid’s parents in the stands feel the same way.

But for the coach who is trying to focus on winning, it’s often difficult to get quality playing time for all the kids.

Other coaches go in a different direction, and will explain to kids on the bench NOT to expect any playing time at all. They feel that being “honest” and “upfront” with the kids is the best route. But in the end, if you keep telling your benchwarmers that they should never expect to play, how does that serve to motivate them? In fact, I would argue that it only serves to de-motivate and demoralize them.

Now, everybody agrees that when kids are in the youth level leagues, everybody needs to get equal playing time.  That’s a given.

It’s only when the kids get a little older – like around middle school OR on travel teams – where parents start to get a little chippy about playing time.

I’ve advocated for a long, long time that if your son or daughter is not getting what they think is their fair share of playing time, they need to approach the coach by themselves….that your kid talks to the coach– NOT the parent.

Is this difficult for your child? Yes? Is it important? Yes?

But teaching your child to stand up and to ask questions of a grown-up is an important life lesson. It’s the only effective way for an athlete to try and find out what he or she needs to improve upon to garner more playing time. Coaches will talk to their players; they are not eager to talk with the parents.

As a caring parent, you can and should let your athlete rehearse what they want to say to the coach.

And…this is important – at no point should your child talk about, or denigrate any of their teammates.

Now….if your son or daughter comes home and is not happy with how the talk went, it’s at that point that you – as an adult – can arrange to meet with the coach to discuss the issues.

Just remember – the same rules apply to you. Rehearse your questions….be respectful…and no discussion of any other kids on the team.

However, if your son or daughter expects their coach to immediately give them more playing time, they are fooling themselves. It still boils down to more hard and dedicated work by your youngster to impress the coach.