QUITTING A TEAM: If Your Youngster Says They Want to Leave the Team

I’m sure if you’re a pro football fan you read or heard about Vontay Davis, the veteran defensive back for the Buffalo Bills, who decided to literally quit during the middle of a game last week. His decision to walk away in the middle of the game was met with both admiration as well as derision.

But I don’t want to necessarily focus on Davis in this column. For starters, Davis is a 30-year-old professional athlete who played sports his entire life. I want to focus on, as a sports parent, if your son or daughter come and tell you that they want to quit the team.

This is often a tough moment – not only for the kid, but for you, the parent, as well. There are real life lessons to be examined here, with great emphasis on the concept of commitment.

THE AGE OF THE YOUNGSTER IS IMPORTANT

Let’s start by recognizing that there are several factors that need to be taken into consideration when it comes to a youngster deciding to walk away from a sport. For one, how old is the child. to me, quitting a sport when one is, say, 6 or 7, is certainly a lot different than one is 14 or 16.

That is, when a little one is just starting out at age 6 or 7, they are just experimenting with all sports. And it usually takes them a little time to see whether they enjoy all the running in soccer, or the physical contact in football, or trying to catch a ball in either baseball or softball.

As a result, it’s during these first two years of experimenting that kids routinely change sports, and “quit” one sport and go and try another. That’s okay, because it’s understood that this is still very much the learning phase. Of course, at ages 6 or 7, team rosters are very fluid and relaxed, or they should be.

But by the time the youngster is 8, 9, or 10, there needs to be a conversation between your child and yourself about having made a commitment to one’s team, coach and teammates.

A youngster needs to be educated and taught what the word “commitment” means when joining a team. Let them know that it’s a kind of personal promise to one’s teammates that no matter how the season goes, whether we win or we lose, that we’re all going to stick together and work toward a common goal, right to the very end. 

To me – and judging from the calls I received today — getting a child to understand the concept of commitment is one of the key principles that we want our children to learn and develop. It’s one of the key takeaways from sports that will last them far beyond their playing days.

AREN’T THERE EXCEPTIONS?

What about other extenuating circumstances that may come into play, such as if one’s grades are suffering due to sports, or if a kid gets injured during the season, or if the coach is either verbally abusive and a bully. Yes of course, there are plenty of  factors that can cause a youngster to leave a team. That’s important to acknowledge, and as a parent, you need to be sensitive to these issues.

But more commonly, for those kids who are considering quitting because they aren’t a star, or starting in the games, or the team’s record is not good, well, these are situations where you want to reinforce to your son or daughter that they really need to live up to their promise and finish the season. Chances are they will see other kids leave the team, but they need to take pride in living up to their commitment. As a parent, you should pat them on the back for having that kind of integrity. That is, it’s easy to enjoy the season when you’re playing a lot, but it’s a lot tougher when you sit on the bench, or play a position you really don’t want to play.

But again, this is primarily with younger kids. What happens when your teenager is sitting on the bench on the HS varsity as a junior or senior, and comes home one day and tells you that they want to quit the team?

Why? Often, it’s because they are on the bench and don’t play very much. Or they feel that they aren’t one of the coach’s favorites and the kid feels that he or she is being overlooked.

Of course, all of this is terribly disappointing to your youngster….and to you as well.

So what do you focus on when you talk with your son or daughter? What about that basic concept of having made a commitment to the team, and the importance of living up to one’s promises?

First and foremost, take your kid’s intentions seriously. Ask them why. By the time they’re in HS, they should be able to articulate the reasons why they want to walk away.

And yea, this is the time when you DO bring up the commitment word. Remind that they made a kind of promise to their teammates to see the season through.

And I would hammer that point home. Remember, the HS varsity season is only 10 weeks long.  I think we’d all much prefer our kid to stick through the entire season, and even if they aren’t a starter, at least they can walk away at the end, taking pride in their ability to withstand a difficult situation, deal with the adversity, and see it through to the end.

Trust me, they will be regarded in high esteem from their peers, coaches, and teachers by sticking it out, even though the season didn’t go as they had hoped.

GET THEM TO THINK FOR A DAY OR TWO

Okay. You have the talk with them. If you feel convinced that he or she has made up their mind and wants to throw in the towel – then you tell them the following:

O First, make them wait for a day and let them think about it about some more. Let them visualize how they would feel with their friends and teammates in school if they are no longer on the team. Peer pressure is something that kids may not be aware of in this kind of situation.

O If they still feel convinced that they want to quit, then you need to urge them to go talk directly with the head coach and to explain to the coach why they want to quit.

Now, in truth, some coaches will actually welcome the kid’s decision. Others though – these are the good coaches – will want to spend some time and ask your son or daughter as to why they want to quit. The coach may not have been aware of how upset the kid has been during the season, and the coach may try to help and change things.

Remember, it never reflects well on the coach when a player quits on the team and on the coach during the season.

O One final critical step. Tell your youngster that if they quit the team, that he or she needs to have some other meaningful activity lined up right away. That is, they aren’t going to be allowed just to goof off and play video games. Either they need to get a job after school, or they need to devote their new free time to some other meaningful school activity or passion. That is important.

As you know, there’s an old saying that “quitters never win, and winners never quit.” That maxim has been around for decades, but the truth is, it’s actually still a good philosophy to impart to your kids.